Search

Loading...

[Joke] Prostitution is illegal in USA. If not...

Prostitution is illegal in USA. Or else, banks will use that to collect student loans from bankrupt students. LOL.


Mar 31 2012 - Many more happy returns of the day.

Wish you many more happy returns of the day. Hope things are real and fine at your end. For the past few months, for some reason I have been trying to be angry with you (in an effort to move on), but failing miserably. I want to move on, but from time to time I try to make sense of what really happened. But its kind of easy for me to assume that I screwed up and move on, but the need to understand better is still there. But sometimes I do feel betrayed.

But I sincerely wish that things turn out ok for you. Hope you had a nice day.

- Venkatesh.


[Confusion] No. Wait. What? Yes. Nukes are like Herpes.

Reading Time: 2 Minutes

USA does not want Iran to have Nukes, but have their nukes controlled by computers (which is fine), have all these computers networked (which is also fine) and also have it connected to the internet (www) - Damn. Just disconnect those machines from www/ internet and connect it (Are you worried of not being able to obtain an IP when in need? As if you need it every other day. The last you used was in 1945 and that was again dropped from a plane and not launched) only when required, instead of spending billions and complaining. The word "Irony" runs ashamed of not being able to explain the Irony here.

I recommend that Iran let their Nuclear scientists live and make a contract with Anonymous (or Chinese government will also do because they have been very good in the past - here, here and here) to hack systems connected to nuclear weapons in America. Why risk a war, money and loss of lives when the alternative is relatively easier (arguable). The only problem is that you cannot claim that you are a nuclear country. Need not worry. I have a solution for that as well. Just think of Nuclear weapons as Herpes. Now ask if you want to be one of those countries with this disease. Nuclear power is like herpes, but for some reason possession of nukes is considered power/ proud statement and Herpes is a shame. 

If you are scared of Herpes, you should be scared of nuclear weapons as well. Get rid of the disease. There is nothing to be proud of in making others fear you. That's old world. I also think the presidential debates should give airtime for Nuclear Disarmament apart from Gay Rights, Civil Unions, Infidelity, Jobs etc.

[Fake News] Kony 2012

UGANDA - The official spokesperson of LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) released a press statement informing that Joseph Kony, their leader was killed in action during a hand combat with one of the child soldiers aged 10. The spokesperson also added that Kony was not in his best form on the day of the fight and was suffering from Diarrhea for the past 2 years. Silverman Sucks Analysts, who have been tracking him and his wealth for years, went on record to say, "From what we heard from the spokesperson about Kony's condition and from our analysis, we only have to come to a conclusion that he (Kony) has been a moving/ mobile douchebag for a very long time". 

IAC intelligence officials have doubted the authenticity of the reports and suggest that the "killed in action and Kony is no more" campaign is merely a game by LRA to avoid world's reaction to "Kony 2012" campaign by Invisible Children. Intelligence officials have also unearthed new reports on local action groups which has been spreading false information about vast oil reserves in Uganda and Kony's control over those reserves. A public figure brushed aside these rumors and  mentioned that "these rumors about oil reserve came out of pure frustration of Kony. The intention of this rumor is to entice America to come to Uganda in search of oil and kill Kony". He also said, given the past record of USA (going after Oil), this tactic might still work. But the "Oil Reserves" story is yet to be confirmed. Bluepeace activists confirmed that US is sending a core group of researcher to find oil reserves in Uganda. US government denied these claims yesterday and released a press statement indicating that this group is not a research group, but a group of Red Cross officials on a humanitarian mission. Our sources tell us that this so called research group is guarded by a group of "Team 6" seals (Yes. That group of highly trained soldiers that killed Bin Laden) anticipating retaliation from Kony's kids army.



Opinions from around the world
Paul Ron, Congressman from Texas and presidential front-runner who runs behind couple of other front-runners was against US Army landing in Uganda. He suggested that US Government should have meaningful dialogs with the government of Uganda and if possible invite Kony to white house to have conversations to understand the reason behind his activities. Isolation is not the solution, he added. When we were about to leave, he called us to tell that he does not have any problem with Kony's skin color.

Romney Mitt was willing to pay off cash to buy back all the kids under Kony's control. His campaign also informed us that Romney would buy an island in Dubai and place Kony in isolation, so that he could not trouble the world anymore.

When asked about this issue, our super competent Cain Herman (former front-runner in scandals, we mean campaigns. Update: Pizza tossing), commented that "Uganda and Pakistan should have talks to resolve all the issues". When we looked puzzled and confused (This is a killer. We recommend that you watch it), he asked us for more details about the issue at hand with an expression, "I can't follow all the news in the world". Then he went on to add "We should find all his wives, arrest them and make him surrender by troubling his wives". Without much to say, our correspondents thanked and moved on.

Ginger Newt spoke about Kony in one of those random campaign visits to an army base. "The fact of the matter is Uganda is corrupt and not keen on change. People of that country should come together for their causes and it is possible" said Ginger followed by a thunderous applause by the parents (aged 50 and above) of all Army personnel. When we spoke to his campaign, they added that Ginger is ready to correspond with Kony on a condition that the dialog happens in K-Street.

Obama's campaign refused to comment on the issue. White House press secretary Jay Car, released a press statement on the matted informing that the president is closely monitoring the issue at hand whenever he gets time between Golf games and singing lessons. Update: Sorry, we missed Stand-ups. "Appropriate measures and actions will be taken when the time comes" he added. God bless America (since all the WH speeches has to end with this statement, we added this.)

From our correspondent in India. "Why is it that everybody wants USA to go and fight worlds injustice? If the world countries do not come together to care and act on it, its only sad. What is the government of Uganda doing to care for its citizens? America can't stand up for everyone in this world. People criticize about America screwing up the middle east with their war machine, but they want their presence in Africa too. I do not understand. Ok. Let's assume USA kills Kony. What next? There is going to be another Kony. Are we going to demand that America stays there forever to prevent new Kony's? That's not practical. That does not even make sense. Killing and getting rid of Kony is not the solution. "Stability" of the society, country and people of Uganda should be the objective and that has to come from its own people. I only hope that this event will instigate the need for stability among the Ugandans."

During a conversation with the Prime Minister of India, our correspondents got annoyed and left since the prime minister did not respond to any questions and stayed mute. Lalitha Jaya, one of the ministers in a state in India, mentioned that the best way (We heard that she is experienced in bringing men out of forests) is to disconnect power to the entirely of Uganda, make Kony suffer and thereby bringi him out. But her arch enemy Mr. Karunanidhi jumped in to add the following in his classic tone and humor.
Konyயோ கருப்பு
நீங்கள் currentஐ நிறுத்தி உருவாக்குவதோ இருட்டு
இரண்டும் சேர்ந்தால்  வேகாது உங்கள் பருப்பு
ஏனென்றால் Konyயோ கருப்பு
We have not heard back from Russia. The news is that, the new president wants to take vodka and enjoy his 3rd term without being disturbed by world affairs. UK agreed to go with whatever USA decides to do. France, afraid of repercussions and losing identity also agreed to go with decisions made by USA. United Nations, the largest independent body on world affairs behaved in a fashion (mute) similar to Indian prime minister, but only adding that they always listen (and bend their rules) to the country which hosts their headquarters which in this case turns out to be United States again. Israel ministry of external affairs considers renting couple of their Mossad agents, busy operating in Iraq (showing their nuclear scientists, the path to heaven) to a mission in finding Kony.

All I have to say is this. I don't care who gets rid of the Kony weed. Get rid soon and move on.

Update 1 (13 Mar 2012): Rumor has it that the Invisible Children campaign is just a front by Americans to militarize Africa. Our correspondents tell us that major weapon suppliers to the "Hexagon" have been heavily contributing to the campaign. Weapon suppliers have been watching their profit go down as a result of roll-out of US Military from Iraq and are pissed with bamaO and his administration. "Entry into Africa will make these weapons manufacturers bounce back with a healthy bottom line" commented a random guy in Facebook.